I am sad. I don’t know how to reach out and admit it, I suppose this is the only way I can. I just am. I’ve gone through something personal and heartbreaking – which I won’t detail here for obvious reasons – and it’s just left me feeling really hollow. I have a few friends who I’ve been talking to about it, but for the most part I would guess that nobody would even be suspicious that something is wrong.
Part of me wants to completely wallow in it, to be ‘that person’ that puts up depressing statuses on facebook and twitter, or just ones with ‘:(‘ and nothing else. But I’d be labelled as attention seeking, and in turn would feel worse. Not to mention all the nosy people who would ‘be there for me’ just to have something to gossip about. I don’t want to be the center of attention, I’d much rather catch the next plane to Hawaii or France or China and just disappear for a while. I want a fast forward button, so I can get to the point where it doesn’t hurt anymore.
But I’m stuck.
I’ve always been the brave one in the group in HK, always the quiet one here. I don’t know how to reach out in either of those situations. In HK I got to the point where I was so aloof and ‘carefree’, by that I mean going out all the time, drinking every night, doing anything to get my mind off what was unfolding around me. I had cricket net sessions every day I could, often with hours of bowling before and after just to completely lose myself in the game. (Just for the record, my skills have improved immensely after the sessions… I’m quite amazed really!)
I feel bad because as I felt things slipping through my fingers in one part of my life, I ended up clinging on to other things (and people) far too much. If you’re reading this – you’ll know who you are – I’m so so sorry.
Over the time I’ve been in Melbourne I’ve fallen into a bit of a quiet personality. Part of me is worried that some of my friends won’t like who I am now that things have changed. But I suppose it’d be for the best anyway.
Ahh. I don’t know what to do. I just want things to be okay.